30 – That feeling when someone gets too close.

It’s been a while since my last rant. Why do I do this to myself? Writing lines and lines of text that really don’t serve a purpose. It makes me feel annoying like a neurotic with criticisms for the entire world. Maybe I am. Sigh.

There are thoughts that just clog up my mind. And they stay there and stay there until somehow, sometime, these thoughts turn sinisterly sad. And then it hurts. It hurts so much. But I really can’t let the tears out until I get it down into text. It’s weird. Writing fixes everything for me. And you know what? I’m comfortable with that. I like having this medium I know I can rely on when there is nothing or no one else.

I suppose I have always been the type of person who lets her emotions rule her life. Reason has never been my nature – though I wish I could have just a little more sense in my head. I’m tired of things not making sense. Tired of not having the answers to my never ending cloud of questions. In general, I’m just tired. I’m not sure why. And I’m tired of not knowing why.

But lately, I’ve been thinking of all the people that I miss having in my life. Wish I could have them here still. I feel like somewhere along the way, I made the wrong decisions. Fell in with the wrong people. I’m not where I want to be and I’m not sure where I want to be yet. There’s no point of regretting what has happened, but it doesn’t hurt to reflect for the future.

People that knew me more than my family did. That I talked to everyday. That listened and supported me. These people are limited these days. But I’m fine with that. We have different phases in our lives. Sometimes there will be more people that care. Sometimes less. It’s not that I don’t have friends. I have more than enough. I’m just not close with any of them really. Not even the ones I’ve known for over ten years. I’ll gladly go along with the facade that they know everything about me and I know everything about them. That’s what best friends are for, right?

And lately I’ve just been in a bad mood. Lack of sleep? Not likely. I’ve been sleeping more than my required amount. I feel tired even when I’ve had perfect rest – feel sad even when things are going well. I’m way behind in my blog reading, but I think I just need to sort things out first. I don’t want go around half-hearted. That’s just notme.

I don’t know if I want to be left alone or if I need someone to talk to. It’s confusing.

And you. You’re not letting me into your life and I no longer know the right words to say. So I’ll give you your space. As much as it hurts in my heart to do so. As much as I don’t want to. Should I let go?

Perspective. A word I’m not quite used to. I wonder, just a little, what people think of me.

Oh I almost forgot, I got semi-published in a mini compilation of short stories. Fun. It’ll look perfect in my portfolio for university – if I wasn’t going into Science. It’s funny how divergent my passions are. How fragmented of a person I am. Not that it’s not okay to be a little cracked. A roughened teddy bear. I try too hard to be innocent sometimes. Too hard to be someone I’m not.

Optimism. I tried to go a week without thinking a single negative thought. It worked…but not the way I wanted it too. I was hoping that if I conavinced myself I was happy, that somehow the emotions would follow through. My feelings have never been quite so kind to me. They never bend to my will – kind of like myself really. I don’t like to be under anyone’s control.

I’m a Libra. I don’t let go of grudges easily. I’m sorry to anyone who has suffered from my frustration due to these infuried grudges.

Yeah. I’m not really sorry. I’m allowed to be mad sometimes, right?

Someone was looking at my blogspot the other day so I decided to pay it a visit. Found an entry that immediately brought me to tears. Because even though time has passed, nothing has changed.

Monday, 21 September 2009. “Untitled”

Sometimes I feel like I’m just a piano-playing shell to my mother. Sometimes I feel like I’m being suffocated under pressure. And other times, I’m holding strong…

If anyone’s interested, you can read the rest of it here.

It’s sad. How things are the same.

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19 thoughts on “30 – That feeling when someone gets too close.

  1. “Writing fixes everything for me. And you know what? I’m comfortable with that. I like having this medium I know I can rely on when there is nothing or no one else.”
    “Optimism. I tried to go a week without thinking a single negative thought. It worked…but not the way I wanted it too.”

    After reading these two lines, what I can only think of right now is ‘if at all its possible that I get to meet you’ or for that matter ‘have the fb profile of yours’ and if you don’t have one ‘your email at least’. and of-course that old blogspot post of yours, it simply touches one’s heart. take care… ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. I see you, and I see a reflection of myself but I also see -you-. You are amazing, beautiful inside, and in so much pain. I understand not being able to know where you are. I read this, and so many things felt like I was reading my own thoughts that I can’t understand. Can’t articulate. You’ll find your perspective, and that will give me hope I can find mine. You are a wonderful girl, Nessa. We’re all fragmented people. Sort of like a mosaic because all of these pieces make us, us.

  3. Excuse me, did you just steal my own words O.o I totally can relate, I’ve felt like that so many times and even when some of what you said didn’t relate to me now it has related to me at one point in time. but basically i feel like that 80 percent of the time. Oh and I’m an aries, we don’t let grudges go either ;] we’re stubborn and most of the time it gets in my way. I was going to offer to talk if you wanted and have seen that many people have offered already. Still it’s on the table if you’d like. Email me, its always nice to talk to someone who actually gets you. Who you can tell things with that you sometimes can’t tell other people. I have friends but i’m selective with what I tell who to and I hate when I can’t tell any of them what I want to say :[

    Me and so many other of us bloggers are here for you, you’re never alone โค

    • Thank you so much for dropping by. I literally bubbled up when I read your comment. It definitely helps to have someone that gets you – that understands the things that you are going through. I will definitely take you up on the offer to talk sometime. I’d like to look at your perspective of things too.
      And yeah, the blogging community here is amazing and super supportive. i’m glad I’ve found my place here. โค

  4. I like when you journal like this, it really brings you out into the world. You see, to me very cerebral, and as a Libra you will always try to balance everything in life to the oint of making yourself nuts … It is not an easy thing to let the heart and head cooperate, especially before the age of 21, so feel it is ok to live in the flow of things and recognize the events in your life as lessons, thing you will build upon.
    Please don’t feel that you are a piano player for some matronly figure, find a way to put your soul into it. I recall an episode from the TV show The West Wing where a Korean piano player wants to defect and ultimately he can’t there is notheing they can do – He refers to a word in Korean called Han … deep, almost unknowable sorrow, then since he cannot describe it he plays a dirge that is unmitakeably the feeling of Han.
    Find ways to express yourself … writing, music, I always liked bicyles and cars … (and writing), you apear to have many blessings in your life, be sure to account for them on occasion ๐Ÿ˜‰ – gs

    • Interesting. I’ve never really thought of myself as someone who has to put balance into everything. But I suppose that makes sense.
      I’m not the type of person who likes to practice tediously again and again. I love change and embrace new experiences. I love playing my own melodies and releasing my anger out on my piano, but when it comes to playing classical pieces and over and over, something inside me breaks.
      I’ll get by though – writing certainly helps. Thanks so much for giving me your input, gs. I suppose age will change me even more and hopefully for the better.

  5. ‘Nessa, writing out these rants is such a great idea. ๐Ÿ™‚ You get to express yourself and “bleed on paper”… perhaps it helps you to shed those tears that need to come.
    You are an intelligent young woman. You carry yourself with class and dignity and I can “feel” that through your writings. It does sound like you are blue right now… depression is a beast and not easily gotten rid of. The positive thoughts do help but never seem to help fast enough.
    I am thinking of you my dear friend. โ™ฅ

    • Mm. You do the same, do you not, dear Muse? Your entries always have this firm part of you and your life, emotions, amd story.
      And indeed, depression is a silly little monster. Coming in and out of my life as he pleases. Well, I won’t let him get the better of me. I suppose I am always “Blue”. Hah. No pun intended..Oh wait yes.
      I’m thinking of you too, Muse and glad to have you by my side.

  6. iLike your “rants,” Nessa! ๐Ÿ™‚

    “But lately, I’ve been thinking of all the people that I miss having in my life. Wish I could have them here still. I feel like somewhere along the way, I made the wrong decisions. Fell in with the wrong people. I’m not where I want to be and I’m not sure where I want to be yet. There’s no point of regretting what has happened, but it doesn’t hurt to reflect for the future.

    People that knew me more than my family did. That I talked to everyday. That listened and supported me. These people are limited these days. But I’m fine with that. We have different phases in our lives. Sometimes there will be more people that care. Sometimes less. It’s not that I don’t have friends. I have more than enough. I’m just not close with any of them really. Not even the ones I’ve known for over ten years. I’ll gladly go along with the facade that they know everything about me and I know everything about them. That’s what best friends are for, right?”

    That part really made me pause and re-read it twice because you have beautifully expressed what I sometimes feel.

    Cheers,

  7. The words u said were similar to the ones i wrote in ma personal diary , the questions that blurs ma eyes ,the confusion that drives me crazy , still hanging on to some point that is yet to be figured out , i am glad i read your post , sometimes u need to feel you are not the only one with the confusing questions and the mood swings …
    ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks so much. It definitely helps knowing that I am not alone. These rants are a mess of words – a blur of emotions. I’m surprised that any of it makes sense.
      I appreciate your support. I’m very glad that you decided to comment and let me know.

    • Yeah. I suppose I was in semi-reminiscent and semi-down mood when I wrote this. You’re very kind, Fia and thank you for the offer. I’ll be glad to take you up on it if and when I need it. (: Of course, I expect you to rely on me the same way. Heh.

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