27 – Insomnia

Those sleepless nights. They trickle on by once in a while. Tonight is one of those nights when they come out of nowhere – an apparition from thin air.

Well I suppose that one sip of coke might still be running through my bloodstream. And I do swear to God it was only one sip.

It’s almost 3 am. I’m barely drowsy, but I know I need to get up in the morning, so I suppose I should shut my eyes and wander off into the dream world.

But since I’m here writing, I’ll take some things off my mind by writing whatever comes into my stream of thought. That’s usually how my poetry comes to me anyway. Stream of conscience.

There are a few things about me that have always, always bugged me. I’ve tried to change, but these things just stick to me like a permanent stain on my existence. I can’t clean it off. I can’t change these things about me and I’ve tried again and again. Different methods have shown no avail in defeating these traits in me. And so I’ve just about given up.

The first thing is the way I’ve always craved attention and aimed at obtaining that attention by complaining to anyone who’d lend an ear. These complaints are stupid, worthless, and utterly annoying. But you know what? I can’t stop complaining. I mean, in a sense, I’m complaining now about the fact that I complain. What the hell. I can’t escape it.

The second thing is the way I’ve always lacked dedication to anything. I never finish what I start – unless I have to. All those puzzles that I gave up halfway. All those books. All those drawings still left half done. All those games I never got to the end to. All those stories that have no ending. My novel that is still left incomplete. My homework…though that will be finished in due time. My life is full of unfinished tasks – like a cracked jar with all those slits where things just slip on by. I’m broken.

The last thing that really irks me is the way I run away. Like the fucking coward I am. I don’t like people getting too close. I don’t like judgement. I don’t want people to have a clear image of who I am. Because I can’t stand to be less than what’s expected of me. Expectations scare me. So I run. Cut ties off. And sulk alone like the pitiful fool I am. Except I don’t want pity.

In any case, writing makes everything feel better. I’ve always lived by that philosophy. I’ve always believed in the power of the written word.

When insomnia comes, words flee my mind like cockroaches scattering away from light.

When insomnia comes, tears pent-up behind my eyes, memories swell up in my conscience, and my entire body tightens up.

When insomnia comes, it comes to kill. Kill whatever calmness, contentment and prosperity it can find.

But it brings enlightenment. I realize a lot in these long, sleepless nights.

When insomnia comes, I bring back other dreams and re-dream them because sometimes, sometimes even my dreams are unfinished.

Sheep help too.

—tumblr: dreaming.

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10 thoughts on “27 – Insomnia

  1. What can I say that grandfathersky hasn’t already nailed? (A fairly perpetual problem with commenting here.) Besides, while I can understand the effects of a single sip of Coke on sleep, I’m otherwise a great snoozer so I make a poor adviser for insomniacs!

  2. I think a lot of “creative” or “artistic” people can relate to this sort of thing. I know I can!
    I suppose one thing to remember is that your flaws, just like your perfections, define who you are. Nobody’s perfect, and if they were they would be fantastically boring.
    Your silence approach with regards to kicking the complaint habit seems pretty sound actually. There’s an old Buddhist saying that goes something like “speak only when it is an improvement on silence” (and I know I sound like a pompous ass when I pull stuff like that, but that’s just one of my little flaws).
    As far as the not finishing things goes (maaan can I relate to that! I’ve practically given up on writing longer stories for the time being), your prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain that controls impulses and, thus, your ability to focus on a particular task for a longer period of time – doesn’t finish developing until after puberty, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that just for now 🙂

  3. ‘Nessa, we are so very alike. 🙂 I can relate to everything you say… a little less on the complaining. Complaining would be a hard habit to break but I would imagine that with practice, you could do it. I think it takes 30 days to break a bad habit and 2 weeks to learn a new habit. I may have the exact time-frame incorrect but you get the idea. My suggestion for that would be to maybe practice another way of phrasing your complaints… or to really be “present” in your conversations so that you can be aware of your thought process and stop your complaining just as you start… then maybe write your complaints in a journal because you still need to vent and get it out. 🙂
    I often start tasks that take me forever to complete. Reminds me of mania or hypomania. Have you ever been tested for Bipolar disorder or taken any online tests (legitimate ones)? Though not finishing things doesn’t always mean you have a disorder, so just a thought. I wish I knew how to break that habit myself. Usually what I do is say to myself… I will complete this 1 task by “such and such date” and then set designated time to do so.
    Insomnia is my enemy…lol… I feel for you on the days sleep eludes you.
    Be kind to yourself. You have plenty of time to change these behaviors in yourself. I believe in you. 🙂

    • Thanks muse.
      I’ve gradually gotten out of complaining by just keeping my mouth shut – sometimes silence is a lot sweeter than any words one can mutter. I’m now working to go for the other end of the spectrum – speaking words of motivation instead of complaint. Wish me luck. I guess. (:
      I’ve tried to take some online tests, but they don’t seem to be fairly accurate. I think it’d be a better idea to get a proper diagnosis when I stabilize – or semi-stabilize at 18. Deadlines work for me to some extent, but as soon as I see a way to not make the deadline, I slip out of them. It’s terrible.
      And for your support, muse, I am always grateful.
      I believe in you too! ❤

  4. First you are judging yourself so the second two are symptoms of the first. The second – I never get anything done, is just you complaining about yourself – Is that really true? Seems you never get anything unimportant done, that you ambition outweighs your time and attention. You get done what’s really important, so focus on that, and then move towards the answer. The third, if you read the rest of the blog is a symptom of the first two. Make peace with those and you’ll find your relationships start to feel better. Many, or should I say most, relationships are passing, we rarely stay in on place long enough anymore so observe, don’t judge, just let it be … life is not criticism, life is learning

    • Hmm..I’ve never thought of things in this manner before. I suppose pointing out things that are wrong with me is the wrong way to go about things.
      Life is learning…I should definitely be aiming for self improvement rather than self degradation. It’s interesting to look at things from this perspective. Thanks, gs, for waking me up.

  5. Most of what you have written here describes me as well. For me writing is the best and the only therapist I can always have. We are our own true healers, though we do need people sometimes to hear us out, but often to just spend time with … Great reflection! Am sure writing it out is one way of dealing with the problem. To resolve the problem first you have to know what it is. And writing makes you see the problem, just like you see yourself in the mirror. Enjoyed this!

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