24 – Dreaming; My Past; Who I Am.

I was going to put this as private…but the length of this post should scare away any readers that don’t care enough to read.

——-

I’m crying as a I write this. Bitter nostalgia resurfacing to the top of my mind. I remember a lot of things that I really wish would just go away. I haven’t been able to cry lately – one of the side effects of being in love. But today, today it all comes out. No, nothing in particular happened today that triggered this burst of emotion…No, nothing at all. It’s simply something that has been bottling up for so long like a bomb set to explode at any moment.

Just for today, I’ll forget that I’m okay. That I’m no longer the person that I was. But traces of her remain inside. The girl I locked away, claimed to have pushed off a cliff – she’s still here. And she’s far more intelligent than I will ever be. This monster that lurks in the deepest corners of my mind – she’s me and not me.

But let me bring you back to my past. When I was six or seven years old. Still a growing child. Not that I’m not still a child now. I don’t suppose most sixteen year olds pour their emotions into a a written mess of a story. I’m not your typical teenager. I have never been. I was not the typical child either.

There are so many facts that I would like to bury – to hide from existence. But I think it’s time for me to let go a little and tell the world just what  was so afraid of. What I’m still afraid of now. Some facts, however, I will choose to keep hidden. Though I’m trying to let go, I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to receive pity or the emotion you claim to be “sympathy”. I’m not an angry, lonely, teenager seeking attention. I’m writing this for myself. For my own self discoveries. Whether anyone reads or not is none of my concern.

So six years old and one word to perfectly describe this girl’s situation (I’d much prefer to talk about her in third person): lonely. She had people she liked to think of as friends. She went to her so called best friend’s home everyday after school to be babysat. She tried to be good. She was a good girl, really. I don’t think anyone could deny that. But this was the year when everything started to fall apart. The world she had tried so hard to fit into – it shunned her away. She never really got back into it. I’m still left out.

I don’t know if this had any significance…but she loved her dad. This was the year when her dad went back to Hong Kong in order to take care of things. She was the kind of girl that would send her daddy a birthday card every time it came around – Christmas cards in the winter. It stopped a few years later…when she became uncertain of who she was. Daddy’s back now. It’s not the same. He doesn’t treat me like he used to. He ignores my existence for the most part. I’m fine with that. I could delve into a whole mountainload of things such as love issues in my family…but I won’t. That’s not where I’m going with this.

But yes, she was very lonely. This six year old girl who felt like all the pillars supporting her had been shattered by some unfeeling storm. So what if she had no friends? So what? She made her own. She invented an entire fucking world. Yeah, I’m swearing again. Whatever.

So she made herself a princess in that world. A clichéd dream, but nonetheless, it was mine. Sintra, I believe, she named herself. When this princess took over, the entire world looked different. For the longest time, I suppose, I had a split personality. Sintra only came out when she was alone though. Or when things were silent. But she was a lonely girl so Sintra came out quite often.

There was this one summer afternoon when things were especially empty in the world. She went outside. Unsupervised of course. Her brother didn’t really pay much attention to it. Her mom was out at work. She’s always working. So stepped outside, exitting the house from the basement door. She liked to go in and out of the basement. Her own little hideout. She would pay her respects to the pear tree right outside – it’s been cut down now – and peruse around in the back yard. She liked to water – or rather, over water – the plants. She’d hop on her bike with the training wheels and ride around the yard. Not really feeling much of anything. But this was her world. She played with what she had. And she only had so much.

So that summer afternoon, she wanted to leave the yard. I can’t remember if she was allowed to, but regardless, it’s most probably unsafe to be let a six year old walk out on her own. But like I said, she was a good kid. A smart kid. She  would get home without too much trouble. So she left through the gate and walked out through the gate. She walked around the neighborhood for a bit and no one really paid much attention to her. She returned home without getting into any trouble. But she learned to be independent that day. She realized that she was alone.

Now let’s get back to Sintra. The princess. She controlled powers of the psych (the mind), of time, and of sheer power. She was powerful. She was sometimes evil. She was the cause of all the good things in her life. Good things came from magic. She dreamed up her own set of servants, her own palace and kingdom. Her mother, the Queen, was evil. Stupid. She controlled her mother too.

I can’t remember when I lost Sintra. It must’ve been sometime in seventh grade when I finally snapped out of everything I had imagined. When I realized that fantasies should remain fantasies and should not carry on in real life…and then, then’s when I turned to dreaming.o

Well, I suppose I’ve always had the craziest dreams. The most realistic…and unrealistic. The most surreal. I’ve always figured that since a third of lives was spent sleeping, it was a good idea to make use of that time. To dream well. To make my own dreams. At least there, I wasn’t alone. I dreamt a lot as a kid. To escape the loneliness. I didn’t know why back then though. I was so naive.

Let’s pull out of my past. I think I’ve shared enough for one day.

So dreaming. Why do I care so much about this concept? Because my dreams have never been normal. Never. When I dream, I’m usually not in this world anymore. I don’t dream of things, of possiblities, of chances in real life. I don’t. In my dreams, I go where I can’t go in real life and I’m usually empowered in some form or another. I’m stronger, I wield magic, I’m more intelligent, and I’m – as much as I hate being vain – more beautiful. I posess some kind of position that sets me aside from others.

If I could write out these dreams in the very detail I dream them in, I would leave you breathless. But I can’t and I’ll never be able to. There’s something beyond this world that exists in my dreams.

A recurring theme in a lot of my dreams is running – fleeing from some enemy. My dreams are never still, never full of idle chatter. They move along fast. There was this one dream of a zombie apocalypse – yes, not very original – that I remember so well. I can almost taste the green, grungy texture of zombie blood on my lips. I slaughtered hundreds. Thousands. With a sword sharper than anything that exists today. I blew entire buildings up. I manipulated my powers so that I could use magic. No, this is not some grotesque RPG gone wrong that has somehow drifted into my mind – though it may possibly be influenced by one – but a different reality. I put myself into these places and I do so for a reason.

I suppose that reason would most likely be the fact that I just want to be needed by someone.

I’m crying again. I’m so fucking soft.

But I suppose that’s what I’m ultimately getting at. I’ve always, I suppose, just wanted to become a presence which people would actually miss if it disappeared. Dreaming lets me do that. It lets me be that someone who is loved. Loved. I suppose I’ve always just wanted that too. I hate to appear weak, as if I actually need others to help me stand on my feet. I hate being useless.

But life has never tried to make things easy for me. Dreaming has. Guess which one I love more.

And to think, to think I was so close to never being born. I don’t suppose that many people would miss me if I disappeared. The world is so cold, so unconnected. People don’t care enough. I try to. To care, that is. To make someone else feel wanted. Because I know how it feels like to not be wanted, to be so perfectly alone.

Tonight, I will dream.

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24 thoughts on “24 – Dreaming; My Past; Who I Am.

  1. I do love you, I don’t know if you can really believe that right now. I would miss you. Dreams are important. I wish you didn’t feel so lonely, but I know that feeling you mean. You will be ok again someday, I really believe that. You aren’t soft, I can tell you are strong. There is nothing wrong with crying. Don’t be afraid of being open.

    -hugs tight- Things can’t be bad forever.

    • I love you too, Amber. And the same words you have given to me apply to you too. I would miss you too.
      And I sure hope things won’t be bad forever.
      But the future is a little scary, isn’t it?

  2. Having read this piece and all of the comments and your responses through, ‘Nessa, I’d say you’ve in fact proven that you’re coming to a place of peaceful maturity about all of the hurt of the past: seeing it for what it is, acknowledging the power it’s held over you, and taking the power back. Doesn’t mean never hurting again, just that you can recognize your strength to get through and overcome it, be free to ‘put it in its place’ and move forward and upward. I’m proud of you both for your ability to put this in words and express your sorrow over it and for beginning to see the gleam of lovely light that you yourself are able to be in the midst of and now emerging from this past version of you.
    xoxo
    Kathryn

    • Thank you, Kathryn. Your support means so much to me.
      I do believe that my past only serves to make me stronger and I think all of us have the ability to overcome past misgivings and let light spread its magic into our souls. Sounds like something a dreamer would say, but I am what I am. Life is difficult, but it is all we have.

  3. ” In my dreams, I go where I can’t go in real life and I’m usually empowered in some form or another. I’m stronger, I wield magic, I’m more intelligent, and I’m – as much as I hate being vain – more beautiful. I posess some kind of position that sets me aside from others.” I believe you can be all these things in real life as well, but you have to believe that you can! 🙂

    You wrote an excellent piece, ‘Nessa! It’s awesome to to look at our life, past, present, and future, and reflect on each part as we currently understand it. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thought process. 🙂

    Let me share with you this quote I took from a book I have been reading:

    “… the key to your happiness is to … own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don’t. …[otherwise]… you will die searching, you will die bitter, always feeling you were promised more.

    … everything you see and do and touch, every seed you sow, or don’t sow, becomes part of your destiny…”

    — Abraham Verghese, Cutting For Stone, p. 350-351 🙂

    If you get a chance, I recommend that you read this book. 🙂

    Cheers,

  4. Hello Blue

    In a certain respect, I was lucky as a child… I grew up in a canyon with my Brother who is 15 months younger than I, and my Mom.

    Though My Two Sisters were younger than 18, they were hardly around… One got involved with a boy at maybe 16, and was generally with him… In fact they stayed together for 10 or so years as it ended up. And the other Sister was angry at my Mom, she felt that she was the reason My Dad wasn’t around… But in truth, My Dad was the reason he wasn’t around. And so she was never around.

    And so it was really Me, My Brother and My Mom for me. I was Extremely Shy, and like you, A Dreamer. But My Brother and I would make Vast Worlds of Imagination, either with Action Figures, Stuffed Animals or some other type of toys. So the Good Part of my Childhood was, Our Mom Loved us, and My Brother and I were Very Close, and Very Imaginative.

    The Difficult part of My Childhood was, My Mom had to work a lot, and so wasn’t always around… And My Brother and I hated Public School, and so would miss a lot. Our Mom allowed this because she didn’t believe in the “Public School” System… However, the problems that us Missing School caused was that A Lot of Kids Hated us, and Treated My Brother and I Very Badly… Mainly because they were jealous I guess, because most kids were forced to go by their Parents.

    I will say this… A lot of things our Absorbed By Kids before the Age of 5… And so when My Dad left when I was maybe 2, which I don’t remember, leaving my Mom with 4 Kids to raise on her own… It caused My Mom a lot of Sadness… And I do believe I potentially Absorbed some of this Sadness through Osmosis… In other words, when I was a kid, I was always kind of sad/blue… Unless I was with My Brother, or My Mom… The rest of the time, I was Shy, and Sad/Blue largely.

    My Dad leaving basically Obliterated My Sister who is 4 years older than me… She was Daddy’s Girl, and so when he left, Her World to a degree ended… And she has struggled with issues from that for the last 30 years.

    My Oldest Sister had a Different Dad, and she had already lost him, he had been Killed in a Mugging actually… Terrible I know. And then My Mom’s Dad kind of became her New Dad, then he died as well. So when My Dad Left, she was like 10, and was basically the Third Time she had lost a “Dad”. So, I suppose she was kind of used to it… Perhaps that’s one of the reasons she’s So Independent.

    Now My Little Brother, I didn’t know it growing up, but he has a Lot of Abandonment Issues because of My Dad Leaving, as he was just a Baby… And then my Dad and Mom tried to be together again when we bought this house in the Canyon… But it didn’t work out… And My Mom asked him to Leave, that was when I was maybe 5 or 6.

    So basically, as a Kid, I was Innately Blue, even though I Was Happy when I was with My Brother or Mom… And in My 20’s, I was basically Very Grey… I ended up being in a Romantic Relationship, My First Love, for 8 Years… And what I didn’t realize until we finally parted was, I wasn’t in love with her… And I don’t really think she was in love with me. Don’t get me wrong, we were at first… But during the last 4 years we were together, I had really become Very Grey.

    Once she left, was when I realized how far away I had gotten away from myself. I was 30 years old, and the first thing I did was Buy an Electric Guitar (Purple), and Started a Band. One Year Later, I started to Pursue My Dreams to be a Film Maker, did that for 3 Years. Started a Second Band. My Point being, in my opinion, I didn’t truly begin to pursue I am until I was 30. I mean, when I was a kid, I was myself… But I carried the emotional burden of My Parents Divorce on my Shoulders. At 30, I was Free of Everything… And so I pursued My Dreams, and haven’t looked back.

    In Regards to your Story… In Truth, we can not Choose who Our Parents are… Or who Our Siblings are. Truth be known, I have a Huge Family, but I’m only Really Close with My Mom and My Brother. Yes, I’ve gotten Closer to My Oldest Sister, but really, in Life, My Mom and Brother are My Main Connections. Oh, I am also very close to My Mom’s Boyfriend of 30 Years, in fact I work for him a bit, as he is an Architect, and I do some Admin/Marketing Consulting for him.

    Back to what I was saying, you can’t/don’t choose who you grow up with. And, it can take some time to Separate Who You Are, From Who You Grew Up Around. If indeed you don’t have anyone that you’re “That Close” to in this world, Chances are you will have to “Build Your Own Family”… And what I mean by that is, We’re “Born” to a Certain Family, and during our lives we Begin To “Build Our Own Family”. Now that Family can Include people you grew up, like it does for me with My Mom and Brother, Oldest Sister, and My Mom’s Boyfriend. But it can also be “Completely New” People… That aren’t from your Past. Friends, Lovers Etc. And often if people have Kids of Their Owns, they Build Their Own New Family… Which is basically what My Brother’s done for the past 13 or so years.

    The Hardest thing for him in his New Family and World, is that he Constantly Misses me. In fact, I have lived near him 3 Times because of it… Because we simply Missed one another. But at this point in my life, I can’t keep following him around… I am on my own path… And so he Texts me 6 times a day, lol

    But I, like you, Need to Build a Whole New Family… And I have no idea who they will be… I’m close to my Mom and Her Boyfriend still, but they’re 70 years old, and I need a World Beyond them. And, I need a world/family beyond My Past… A Whole New World.

    So don’t loose hope… Where you come from is only the Beginning… And in the End, may be to a degree left in the dust… Not that you will ever forget it, and not that it hasn’t helped to shape you a bit… But there is Oh so much more out there for you… Also so you know, as I’m the Biggest Dreamer I’ve ever known, it ends up that “Certain Realities”, are “Far More Amazing… And Magical” than even our Wildest Imaginations can Muster… So, Keep Your Eyes, Heart and Soul Open… You will not believe the kind of “Wonders” “Reality” can bring.

    Sorry for the Long post, lol

    DarkJade-

    • Thank you for sharing your own story…I feel for your past as well. Ultimately, what I was doing with this post was releasing a piece of my past…let it live and burn out on its own. I don’t live there anymore, but it’s still a part of me. I suppose I was accepting it. I see here that you have accepted yours as well. You’re right. We don’t choose who we grow up with.
      But life goes on. It does. And as you’ve said…it’s important not to lose hope. Not to lose sight of what lies in the future. Your life started out rough and you’ve still gotten so far…I suppose that’s something for me to learn as well. To not be discouraged by what lay in the past. I guess your bond with your brother helped create some sense of belonging. I’ve never really felt that from my own brother. But this blog, this blog helps me feel something.
      I’m a coward at best, really. I hide in my dreams because I’m too scared to change my own reality. I’m too scared to let go of who I was and just start over again…And I don’t think I ever will. I think it’s important to hold on to the past, to accept it as it was. The past is still you and it’s fine as long as you don’t live in the past anymore.
      I guess I’ll keep dreaming for a while.
      Thank you for your support, Jade, I really appreciate it.

      • Dreams are important… I don’t remember them all that often, but in them I’m often battling some greater thing, and leading people to safety… Pretty funny. I do like my Dreams though. I, like you, don’t dream about reality all that much. But I don’t dream about fantasies so much… It’s more like Altered Realities to a degree. Inner battles I suppose mostly, demonstrated by different forms of battles in my dreams.

        And you’re right, I’ve also found a New Home to a degree in WordPress… It is at least a Very Important part of my Present, and I hope it will continue to be.

        DarkJade-

  5. Aww ‘Nessa, I can relate to this sad post, more than I care to admit.

    I think you’re wrong about nobody missing you, and it hurts to read that you’re thoroughly convinced of the fact – this hurt to read, it really did. 😦 We (the community) care about you Nessa, as cliche and ‘bullshitish’ as that may sound to people that don’t GET US, we care and we’d def miss you. I’d miss you. All my love, sweet girl. xxx

    • And all my love reaches out to you, Jenzy. And it’s pretty amazing here, isn’t it? I’m soaking in all this lovely support…and I can’t thank you all enough for reading this.

  6. ‘Nessa, ‘Nessa, ‘Nessa.
    We are all just searching in this world. Searching for all the happiness we want to have. And actually, searching for all the happiness we already have.
    Let me say, first of all, that you shouldn’t bury your past, and by extension your unhappiness. Having written this post, I think you may have realized, whether consciously or subconsciously.

    Know that you are loved. I understand, I often feel lonely and unloved – it is probably my biggest problem. And loneliness is the scariest thing to me. But know that you are loved. By me, by these other wonderful bloggers, and undoubtedly by many others in your life. You know what I think, though? I think the love you are looking for is love from yourself.
    No matter who you are, there will be people in the world who will love you. There will also be people in the world who may hate you. But all your dreams seem to be telling you that you want to be more. That you want to be better. I feel the same way. I am never good enough for myself. But why is that a reason not to love yourself? Nobody can be perfect, so sure, we can continue striving to better ourselves. But why should we hate our own flaws, and loathe every mistake we make? I think the more you can love yourself, the more you will be able to feel the love from others. The love that is already there.

    So that is what I think about loneliness. Now. Your past.
    Letting go is important. Not hiding it. Know that every part of your past made you who you are today. Which is why it is still important to love yourself. And this is one of the most difficult things for people. But letting go of your past means being able to remember it, relive it in your mind, and think “That is part of who I am. That is what has made me stronger. That has helped me find the happiness I currently experience.” And instead of denying your past and finding every possible escape, understand that happiness can be found within every bitter and every sweet moment of your life.

    Happiness. It is not something to painfully strive for, to the point of hating every moment without it. And this is an important thing to realize. There is no eternal source of happiness. Time does not stop when we accomplish a lifelong dream. Eventually joy will die down. So what? Keep living, keep enjoying the things you do, and happiness will return. There are many many things that bring happiness. So if one particular thing doesn’t go right, that doesn’t mean happiness has to cease.

    So please. Love yourself. You are “so fucking soft”? Okay. I love you. Besides, pain isn’t something you frantically fight, it is something you grow to appreciate for letting us remember happiness. You don’t fit society’s standards? Okay. I love you. Society is a mindless, destructive, self-replicating machine. You aren’t perfect? Okay, I love you. Perfection is an idea, and can’t really exist. If you were perfect, you couldn’t exist. And I would hate it if you didn’t exist.

    Love everything you are, hm? In the end, there’s really no reason not to.

    • Oh Anson…what wisdom you carry in your words. For the most part, I agree. I don’t believe that we should hate our flaws and instead, we should embrace them. The latter is of course harder to do. As LIGHTS has once sung (sorry, some part of me is still a fangirl), “Somewhere perfection lies, but not for you and I”. We, as humans, can’t ever be perfect.
      It’s hard for me to love myself. But I’ll try. I’ll try my best. Maybe even tell myself I will.
      There’s only one thing that doesn’t quite click with me. I’m not sure where I stand with this concept of “happiness”. For me, this post wasn’t about happiness. It wasn’t about sadness. It was about my past as it was and about my intense connection to dreaming. I, in no way, was contemplating my emotions nor was I looking for happiness. But I suppose, ultimately, humans just want to be happy. So I’ll agree even here.
      Thank you for your care and know that I love you too.

  7. ‘Nessa, if you vanished, I would take notice and be very sad. That is what is evil about our brains… it is a devil in its own rite. I would imagine that many people would notice if you were gone, but to yourself, you feel invisible. You certainly are not. Thank you for sharing your 6 yr old self. I was a very lonely child too, always have been a bit of a loner… though if you met me, you probably wouldn’t believe it (I can put on quite a show).
    Self reflection is very good. You are looking inside, perhaps looking for answers for the way that you feel. Everything in our lives molds us, but to have awareness of it and to reflect is part of growing.
    Dreams are amazing aren’t they? I love dreamland too and look forward to it nightly. For a year I couldn’t dream or remember them, and it devastated me… it was another destroyed world in my life. When the dreams came back, I cried. I often have powers too. And I like to visit the sky… stars, moons, planets. Such vivid dreams.
    I am glad you wrote this. I think it is a healing step for you. 🙂
    Please know, I would miss you. ♥

    • Oh yes. That evil in our minds. For the most part, however, certain events in my life have triggered this feeling of “invisibility” and I’m most probably not wrong in thinking that. But of course, things have gotten better since then. A lot better, I suppose.
      Thank you for being a friend, muse, and relating to my own self reflection. Dreams are such a beautiful thing. They definitely are.
      I would miss you too.

  8. I’m crying now… This brings many thoughts to share with you. Too many for this glass keyboard, I’ll be back. A little later in the day. Know this, I would miss you …. We would miss you …

      • I gave it more thought, and without going into a long dissertation that would be much more than a comment … I cannot prove any of what I have to say in a scientific way, but I have faith that it is true. You – I mean the soul who animates you, spent a long time preparing for this lifetime, and in the preparation got used to the connectedness on the other side. Birth is traumatic to souls like yours, as you feel cut off from that ‘heavenly bliss’ or connectedness, none the less you decided to come back, you were not forced to come here, you ‘volunteered’ and came back with a purpose, one that at your age you are struggling to find. Early life progresses in 3 phases 7 years each, physical development, emotional development, and mental development. They are not fixed periods of time but generally 7 year increments. Your dreams are your returning to the world you knew before birth, tinctured with the experiences you know now. The scenes you describe are found on what is known as the lover astral plane. As you aspire, you will come to conquer what is called ‘The Dweller on the Threshold’ , and you will pass into another ‘dream’ realm, and there you will know truth … For now I would suggest reading ‘Bringers of the Dawn’ by Barbara Marciniak, learn what the definitions of Indigo and Crystal children are about …. and think about the hidden meaning in the nursery rhyme “Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream’

  9. Such a sad post, Nessa. Yes, I read it completely, but do not despair, there are people who care. We all feel very lonely sometimes, and living is full of misery, pain, illness, sorrow and people not caring or leaving you. But there are other moments too. So, darling, have a good cry, have a good sleep and keep on caring. You are wrong when you think no one will miss you. I’m sure someone, a boy a girl, a member in your family loves you so much that he or she would miss you if you weren’t there any more. You are or have been in love, think of those moments when everything looked bright. it will get better.
    Love and a big, big hug, darling Nessa
    Steph xxx

    • Thank you, Steph. I can stand on my own two feet now and even if nobody cared, I think I’d be okay. But I don’t just want to turn away from this. I don’t want to just look at the bright side of life – that’s being naive. And I’m done being naive. I suppose the reason I’m writing is because I’ve gotten better.
      Thank you again for your support, Steph,
      Hugs reach out to you too. If you’ll take them,
      ‘Nessa.

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