17 – I’m f-ing tired.

I hate being told what to do.

I hate it when people cut in to what I’m doing. When they don’t leave me alone. But only because that person can’t understand me. They never fucking do.

I hate how I have to fake being ‘normal’. I hate how there is a fucking normality.

I hate swearing, but here I am. Because I’m fucking tired.
I tried to do things the way other people do.

Act normal.

Complain.

Now, I over complain.

People find me annoying. I find myself fucking annoying.

I hate my reality. I hate envying others. I hate people who think my life is perfect. I hate judging.

I fucking hate. And I hate that I hate.

I understand that if I swear this much, it becomes insignificant. That it no longer means anything anymore. I don’t fucking care.

I hate that time of the month when I feel this way.

When everything fucking hurts.

And I want to cry.

And I try not to.

More than anything, I want to be myself and still be accepted.

I don’t want sympathy or advice.

I want to fix myself on my own.

So don’t fucking comment on how messed up I am.

I’m fucking tired.

Now I’m going censor this post.

For the hell of seeming ‘normal’.

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13 thoughts on “17 – I’m f-ing tired.

  1. You wrote, “More than anything, I want to be myself and still be accepted.” There are many layers to that. One is that we all should be in a life-long quest to become better, shaving away the things that aren’t right, and adding to traits that are desirable. Thus, we become better people. Another is that when we are basically the right kind of person (with some flaws we’re working on), real peace in our lives comes when we suddenly realize that we don’t have to be accepted to be happy. If we’re that right person and we’re not being accepted, it’s the problem of the wrong kind of people who are around us, not us. And when that’s the situation, the right kind of persons will ultimately come along – new friends and acquaintances, the best. Growing up is difficult because those we grow up with aren’t all at an acceptable point. Many come from backgrounds that aren’t good and some simply aren’t the right kind of people – yet. Hopefully, they will mature as well and see the error of their ways. Until then, it’s difficult, but one simply has to grit one’s teeth and realize, “It’s them; not me.”

    • But somehow society makes it seem like it’s you that doesn’t fit in. It’s you that’s in the wrong. Not them. That’s what makes it so hard.
      Maybe I should start thinking “It’s them; not me” and I thank you for that advice. I can’t but think sometimes that I’m the one that needs to change. That’s something for myself to decide as time goes on.

      • Sometimes it is difficult to know who is right. We often defend ourselves when we’re horribly wrong. The best way is to have a standard, such as what the Bible teaches, and keep looking at that standard to see how one is fairing, rather than what the world says. And on the occasions we are wrong, we simply say “I’m sorry” and strive to do better. Have patience. 🙂 It’ll come.

  2. I can’t say anything to make this any better.
    Swearing is good poetic expression. It’s your blog, and your space, do what you like.
    I’m sorry to hear you are so angry, and are feeling isolated.
    I often feel like that. I hope things turn up and you can find someone who understands and accepts you for you.
    All my love,
    xxxS

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