15 – I’m a little messed up.

I’m confused. Really confused. Drowsy, about to collapse, and yet more confused than anything.

What about?

I really don’t know.

I had insomnia last night. Was thinking about society. Yet that’s not what’s confusing me now.

I’m frustrated that I don’t know.


For the sake of writing: MY TAKE ON SOCIETY.

Society’s important and I’m sure no one can really deny that.

It binds living things together – in particular, humans.

It’s the structure that organizes everything.

Law. Government. Hierarchy. Community. Anything organizational.

I like to divide the groups of people within this society up into categories.

THE STATUS QUO – The general norm, anyone who claims to follow societal rules.

LEADERS – The ones that set the rules.

OPPOSERS – Anyone who is firmly against the rules set out by the LEADERS.

OUTCASTS – Anyone who has been either ignored, rejected, or forgotten by society. The people that don’t really ‘fit in’.

My cause for concern?

I think I’m becoming more and more of an ‘outcast’. That scares me. It really does. As a human being, there’s something in my genetic pool that urges me to ‘fit in’ and be a part of society. It urges me to become more like the status quo, to blend in with the social norm. I obviously don’t do that. I don’t stand out either. I don’t go against society. I feel like I couldn’t make a difference even if I tried.

Do I want to be part of the status quo?

I suppose there’s a gray area.

But things are becoming more black and white for me.

I feel like I’ll be properly defined as an outcast if I continue like this.

That thought is frightening.

That thought kept me up for an hour last night.

I’m sleepy.


I still don’t know why I’m confused at the moment.

Writing about last night’s problem does not seem to aid my current confusion.

I’m so freaking confused.

I hate this feeling.



—–tumblr: the world’s cold today.

12 thoughts on “15 – I’m a little messed up.

  1. Confusion seems to taint every part of my life. My dreaded phrase when I feel that way is “All I know is I don’t know.”
    I feel like I don’t fit in… yet can mold very easily… and then unmold.

  2. “A little messed up” beats the heck out of thoughtless complacency any old day, though the latter is so much easier to take! Your other commenters are right, feelings change and grow or pass and with them, the wit and will to interpret and choose among them what will best serve you. Your youth, frustrating and painful as it can be, is really on your side. I know you know that already. 🙂

    • I know that already…? I suppose I do in some sense. Yet I feel like I was taking in what you said for the first time. I have trouble dealing with my feelings and so I write about them. I suppose that is a way of interpreting them. I’m definitely waiting to see what’s at the end of my youth. Thebard’s comment has left me with a lot of hope for what to find after high school.
      Thank you for the support as always.

  3. I agree with Grandfathersky and all the commenters above, especially I like this comment: “You are not confused, you are seeking understanding…” Ya, you should think of it that way. 🙂 And it’s okay too to be confused, it’s through confusion that clarity eventually comes. So don’t see it all as a negative thing. It becomes negative only if you make it! 🙂

    Have a wonderful day!


    • Should I assume you’re simply telling me to stay positive? Heh. I’ll try my best. I’m a pessimistic person by nature so that’s sort of hard to change. Still, the future looks promising.
      Thanks, Elyas.

  4. Actually, i do have similar believes. My advise: Don’t think too much and if you do, concentrate on the future! :P.
    I don’t know, i shared similar stuff with an old friend, like i am being ignored all over by everyone. He was such a help, he passed down THIS advise to me. At first i was like, cmon man this isn’t gonna work. but trust me it does! 🙂

    • Sounds kind of like Grandfathersky’s advice. Don’t worry about everything else, just take the future in your own hands. I guess the first step for me then is to decide where I want to be in the future. Maybe that’s what being a teenager is all about…though I’ll be an adult soon enough.
      Thank you for the encouragement, Epiphany.

  5. It’s amazing that the future always seems to sort itself out when it becomes the present. You’ll only become an outcast if you make yourself one – going outside the norms and standards, making one’s self a bad fit in society. For example, if you painted your two front teeth black and shaved a line down the middle of your head, you’d have trouble finding a job. 🙂 In high school, cliques form within that relatively small pond. In college or out in the world, the pond is much larger and virtually everyone finds that there are others like them. Plus, we’re more accepting as we grow older, not as cliquish. (Is that a word?) Anyway, it will work out.

    • Thanks bard. It makes a lot of sense when you put it that way. Our pond grows bigger as we grow older. Sounds just about right. Puts a lot of hope into my future…maybe a little too much. Might be setting myself for disappointment. Heh. Thank you nonetheless for your input.

  6. Eckhart Tolle called it ‘a failure to accommodate competing narrative’s’. Your thoughts make up your world view, they become who your are in this world. You are awakening, that is all. No need to categorize yourself. Labels are things of the past. You belong to the future. The best analogy I ever read about the mind goes like this. You – your eternal self – is the driver of a wagon, the mind is the horse drawing the wagon along. You have the reigns in your hands – do you let the horse go where it will or do you take the reigns and guide it. You are not confused, you are seeking understanding, sometimes non-dualism is a better way to look at things. Cheers! – gs

    • There’s a lot of optimism in that philosophy, but I’ll take it as it is. It’s far better to adopt an optimistic view than being thrown around by confusion. I like the thought of having ‘the reigns in [my] hands’. I suppose I do in a way as I determine where I go in the end, but at the same time, there are just so many influences around. I suppose if I think more in that sense, it’ll really help me in the long run.
      All in all, thank you Grandfather for the advice.

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