11 – Depression

It’s one of the biggest tags on my blog.

Yet I haven’t talked about it.

I feel like I still don’t want to talk about it.

Depression is probably the one illness I do have. The one thing that keeps me from being the ‘me’ that everyone sees me as. The one thing that keeps me from being happy. I hate it. I hate it with a burning passion and I will continue to hate it for the rest of my life.

It’s scary. It doesn’t overwhelm me day in and day out. No, it’s a lot more sudden than that. It’s a beast that comes out only when it wants to and only when you don’t want it to. It hits you at the worst times. Terrifying.

I cry spontaneously. I just do. I’m overwhelmed by this feeling, this feeling of sadness and loneliness. I could be talking to five or six of my friends and still have that feeling erupt from nowhere. I turn silent. No one notices. They never do. Thank the heavens for that.

It’s not painful. Not physically painful that is. Mentally. Only slightly. For the most part, I can keep it under control. Sometimes it just swells up inside and bursts out without my having a say in it. It becomes uncontrollable if I keep it in check. It becomes stronger than my own will. That thought is terrifying. I don’t like talking about depression. I don’t. It only makes the feeling stronger if I acknowledge its presence.

I don’t think it’s as bad to the point where I need medication. I’m trying to control it so I don’t ever have to take it. I think I’ll be fine. I’ve become more and more comfortable with the feeling over time. It used to be a lot worse. I used to be a lot more estranged due to it. My friends never got why. I don’t think I get why either. I hate being different from “normal”. I hate that there’s such as thing as “normal”.

I think some of my stuffed animals are stained with tears.


I’m still a child and I hate that too.

Depression reverts me into this child-like state. This helpless being. This immature crybaby. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I know I’m more mature than that child.

Yet, why can’t I be that way?


8 thoughts on “11 – Depression

  1. I am so glad you understand your past, that is the first step to healing. I didn’t think of this earlier, but I just remembered who inspired me to face my pain instead of burying it deep inside. A lot of people do not like her and a lot of people love her. I think she is funny and down to earth. She tries to include things she has had to overcome in each of her messages, some examples we face daily with our family and friends and some we do not. She has a lot of insight on how to let go, which is the hardest thing to do. We can torture ourselves by replaying the event over and over in our mind. We have to learn how to accept that it hurts and then release it so it does not bog us down in depression. She is Joyce Meyer, you have probably heard of her. Most of her messages are personal, those are the ones that truly help. I also have a link on my site for Nick Vujicic. Sometimes, it helps seeing how others overcome their trials.

    You are doing a great thing with your blog. You sound like a wonderful person who truly cares about others, don’t be so hard on yourself by saying you are a bad friend, we all feel that way from time to time. I hope you are enjoying your holidays. 🙂

    • Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll be sure to check them out. And yes, letting go is the hardest thing to do. It’s even harder, as I have mentioned, when the thing has carried over into the present, when it continues to extend its influence in your personality and in your conscience. It’s difficult when it’s already made change in you.
      But I’ll try my best and it means a lot to have readers like you.
      Happy holidays to you too.

  2. You seem to have a really developed understanding of depression and I don’t think anyone can deny that. I know very well what’s tying me down in the past, but at the same time, its effects have transcended into the present. It’s hard to get rid of what is hard to get rid of. (Sorry that’s redundant, but I can’t think of a better way to put it.)
    I do hope that I can help others who feel the same way as I do. I’ve set up this blog as one means of doing that. I’m hoping to reach out to others who are feeling as lost as I am and give them whatever support I can here.
    Of course, if I happen to see someone suffering on a day-to-day basis…I’ll try my best to lend them a helping hand.
    I feel like every ‘true friend’ I’ve ever had has been pushed away severely by myself. I’m the worst friend. I know it. I won’t get them back, but I’ll thank them for what they’ve done. They’ve kept my depression at bay.
    Honestly, I don’t think doctors will diagnose me with anything more than just a lot of stress. I’m still at a young age, still too young to be on depression medication. They’ll probably just think that it’ll pass away in a couple of years. I hope they’re right. I hope it does go away.
    Thank you for your support by the way, it’s definitely reaching out to me.
    I’ll follow your blog and see what little pieces of advice I can take into my own life. Seems like a very viable source and quite helpful. Thank you so much for sharing.

  3. I am so sorry you are going through this. We all know sometimes being surrounded by many loved ones, you can still feel alone.

    I can’t help but wonder if you have been through something in life that has a strong hold on you. Sometimes even years later, we suffer and cannot recognize it ourselves. My father died when I was very young and although I walked around happy, I look back now and realize I covered my depression.

    I am glad you are talking about it. This always helps and it organizes your thoughts when you write them. I have numerous articles discussing how to heal by helping others. If you start paying attention, you will be surprised at just how many people you know or how many are online and silently suffering from depression. It is the most common ailment to millions of people all over the world and it can be crippling when not treated.

    My prayer for you is to someday find it within yourself to help others who are hurting and show them how you deal with it even if you never feel completely healed. So many have never been taught how to recover from depression and truly need help.

    You mentioned physical… depression can cause numerous issues with your body. If you let your depression grow, as you age, you will slowly watch it creep into every area of your body and lifestyle. Please talk to your doctor and parents, as you may have another minor ailment causing the depression if you have not experienced a traumatic event that may have led to you being depressed. Depression can be treated. Please do not feel as if you have to live with this.

    You also mentioned your friends not understanding. You are so right, no one will understand until they have walked in your shoes. When I was young, I lost several friends because they only wanted to have fun. I hope you are able to figure out who your true friend is and be able to confide in them. A true friend loves you when you are hurting and will be there for you when the moment strikes. It may be a friend or a relative, either way, find someone you are comfortable talking to. Share your true thoughts with them and ask them to help you, tell them you want it to stop. We are always here to if you want someone to talk to 🙂 Again, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I wish you the best!

  4. I read this the other day, saved the email that notified me of the post, read it again later, and came back to it again today. Not knowing you or your circumstances, I can only speak in generalities and perhaps you’ll find something that fits and helps. One thing that struck me is that your depression might come suddenly in the midst of friends. That doesn’t make sense in view of the situation. So, perhaps something occurs in that type situation that triggers a feeling from the past, that doesn’t really fit in the present at all. I don’t like the sound of the wind howling against a house. I think it’s because I grew up in a house where the wind howled and I couldn’t go outside and do things on days like that. That’s what I mean by a trigger from the past. Perhaps knowing that, if it’s true, would help. You might try countering the depressing thoughts by immediately thinking brighter ones. For example, focus one by one on each friend in the circle, how she/he has been in your life. Replacement thoughts AND action are ways out of the depression. For example, in the situation where your friends might be there – pay even more attention to the conversation, looking for your chance to add to it, even if it’s just by asking a question.
    In one sense, each one of us alone but that doesn’t mean we’re lonely. At times we’re alone (away from others) but we can know that time will soon change that.
    For those of us who believe in God, we’re never alone at all. And, He gives us meaning, worth, and purpose in life.
    Hope I’ve said something that will be of help. Take tiny steps to get out of it, like I’ve described above. You don’t have to stay in the place you don’t like.

    • I took a while to read through what you wrote. Thank you for the advice as it does seem to be something that might help. The thing is, I think my depression has become more of a physical illness than a mental illness in that I can’t really control it. The feeling comes out of nowhere and yes, I do try to counter it with happy thoughts or just by talking a lot to take my mind off it.
      That poem kind of sums up why I can’t rely on my friends.
      The majority of them don’t really get me or they try not to get me. Most people want to say away from what hurts.
      Thank you for the support though. I’m sure, in time, that I will be able to smile honestly always.

  5. Hmm i dont wanna say anything since i dont kno how it may affect you, but this piece somehow pains me. I wanted to throw some comforting words, but you might have already heard of them, so i leave you as it’s … here is a smile for the writing, however 🙂 Its well written as usual!

    … you may be interested in checking out these two blogs, which I find quite interesting:

    This one I read this morning, quite an interesting way of looking at happiness or feeling depressed: http://thethickersense.wordpress.com/2011/12/21/heres-a-thought/ 🙂

    And this one I discovered the other day, and she writes so well about finding ways to make yourself happy, so her posts may look like a psychology self-help manuals on how to make yourself feel good, but I like her personal touch on them, so I forgive the parts that feel like a manualish 😉


    umm … Feel free also to email me if you feel like talking to sb, i kno am stranger, but lol we still humans, i will listen. 🙂

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