that i was the one churning your thoughts

that i was the reason for the sleepless nights

that i had hurt you in such a way

without intention

with only love

but hurt nonetheless

is too much for me to handle.

it’s better now you say

better now

but my heart aches

because it wasn’t better then

because i didn’t see the other side of the glass

because i was blind

but blindfolded by you

because i’m a hypocrite in much i do

telling others

that the past is the past

but clutching onto

its frayed ends

my feelings toward you remain unchanged

but it hurts

it hurts

and that is something new

Or so I lie to myself. Or maybe not. I’m too young for anyone to tell.

I smile and laugh as usual. Feeling so light when just chittering and chattering with those I feel comfortable with, it’s hard for me to believe that I’m anything but normal. But the happiness never stays. It’s here one moment at full blast and the next, I feel it slipping from my grasp. No one in my family is diagnosed with anything psychological. I trust that it is what I hope, a passing phase.

Perhaps more troubling is my addiction to these video games. No, that’s not quite it. It’s more my inability to cope with this sadness without the aid of these video games. The numbness is favoured over the blue intensity I can’t escape. I play to be numb. I play to forget. I play to have someone to talk to, to not feel alone. Yet I need to be alone. Nothing but a contradictory soul…that’s what I am.

My mind flickers around in circles. My thoughts wander even when I’m taking an exam. But I’m okay. I’m okay. I believe that my own belief is stronger than these overwhelming emotions. If I act okay and think only that, I will be. I’m sure of it. But not so sure that a sliver of doubt doesn’t remain within my mind. There is always doubt. There is always weakness.

I am strong. But I will always be weak too.

It’s all over. All my exams. High school. Graduation is on the horizon. But I don’t feel it yet. Not just yet. No, I only have the sadness and perhaps it is he that knows me best.

The days are bright in every way.

And dark in the back of my mind.

I love so much. My friends, my family, and who I am. And him. I love so much so it’ll be alright. Love is stronger than anything.

I have yet to find the cure for

The plague within my heart

That grows on ever more

The black and white monster

Inflicting terror on my mind

Will never cease to haunt me

Will always trail behind

My tears have no effect

In this never ending war

The battles come from day to day

Knocking at my door

Some days I wander hopeless

Some days I want to stop

But I must not lose this struggle

I must fight until I drop

In the end I still believe

That every monster, every beast

Every little evil thing

Has a bit of love at least

A little bit of light that shines

Through the darkness, through the void

A charming smile to bring out hope

A wooing rhythm to be enjoyed

So music, now I must ask you, do you dare?

I see the goodness in you, fair and square.

wondering about

all the possibilities

that

tomorrow

would bring

I miss thinking

that

the only limitations

were the skylines of your mind

I miss the daydreaming

that existed

before the coming

of habitual tendency

of responsibility

of maturity

I miss the luxury

of freedom

of believing that anything was possible

with a forward looking smile

with kaleidoscopic eyes

Those were  the times

when happiness came naturally

and needed no protection

from our sighs

needed no provocation

and no reason

to exist

Those were the times

when happiness was happy.

one wants so much to stay by your side

so much to never leave this place

to never learn danger’s face

so much to never know independence

the other wants so much to be gone

to be somewhere so her thoughts can grow

be somewhere so the troubles go

to be somewhere – anywhere, but here

and i know that the two can never coexist

without struggle

without fight

without darkness

clouding light

and i know that i must choose one

more than the other

or the other

more than one

but to choose would mean to betray

someone

something

someday.

of a mask

I used to wear

not knowing

if I could bear

stitching it back together

Perhaps instead

I will throw

the fragments

let it go

for the wind

to carry away

But I’ve long forgotten

the face behind

the mask

my identity

my task

in the cold corners

of this darkness

I feel

a heavy weight

upon my soul

a frosted arrow

takes its toll

penetrating

my heart

As I search

to find myself

my fears converge

and all I know

in the frozen scourge

is that I love you

for the warmth you bring

when all is skew

I’ve always felt an unnatural attraction to love and to idea of love itself. It’s a wonderful emotion that drives me forward in life, keeps me up when I’m down, and gives me passion to do the things I want to do.

Yet, contrary to how much I treasure love, all I’ve seen around me are instances where love fades, where love breaks, and where love is left trailing after the ashes of a once vivacious flame.

Mom and dad. My life would be so different if that flame had not been blown away by an unstoppable current. I sometimes wonder if my mom fell in love with the wrong twin. My uncle is everything my dad isn’t. This rant is not about them, so I won’t reflect any further on this line of thought. This rant is for me.

My piano teacher. Last year, she changed the location of her studio from her parents’ house to the house of some man I had never met before. I know him now to be a decent guy, but back then, I had no idea about the circumstances of her and her family. I suppose I saw it coming. Knew something was wrong from the interactions between my teacher and this man. I talked to my best friend about it, since we’ve both known our piano teacher for a fair number of years. We both suspected an affair. It was denied outright of course.

The second sign came to me like a pebble to my face. I was coerced (somewhat) into tutoring her son or rather, simply watch him play piano and help him practice. He told me about the divorce. About how daddy was always unfair and never let him watch television. About how he didn’t like being home because there was nothing to do. I thought about how hard it was for me (although my parents are unfortunately not divorced despite the constant struggle). I thought about how much harder it is for him, being the older sibling and the older brother of an equally adorable kid. I wonder how my brother feels about our murky past? We never have any meaningful conversations.

In any case, they’re separated now. I don’t think it was an affair that led to it. I think it was simply two people whose love had ended. I’ve never approached the subject directly with my piano teacher and I suppose I’ve no right to be poking into her personal life. Looking back, I suppose I should’ve seen an even earlier sign…the way she asked about my parents was highly unusual.

My godmother (or at least what I think of her as). Let’s just call her M. I visited Hong Kong last summer to attend my grandfather’s funeral – something that this blog is scarred with as well. But that is not the focus of this rant. During my stay in HK, we met up with M quite a number of times. She’s quirky, kind, and completely obsessive about staying clean – something we reckoned had to do with her being a Virgo. M doesn’t have children – which I never really reflected upon until last summer when I discovered the reason why. She likes to spoil me with presents and gifts which I find hard to refuse because I like being spoiled. My mom makes me refuse the gifts sometimes though. I suppose that’s the correct response. One afternoon in that blaring July heat, we were sitting in a Dim Sum restaurant, drinking tea and eating lunch. At that point, I was extremely tired of having Dim Sum, because that’s all my mom seems to want to do when we visit Hong Kong. They sit there for hours just talking and talking and talking while I have nothing to do. I wish I could’ve hung out with my soulmate, but she was busy in school (they have school in July whyyy). I miss her. She got me a cute tote bag with all these doodly ladybugs on it. Wish I could’ve thanked her in person.

Anyway, distractions aside, this particular conversation between my mom and her friend (also a friend of M) caught my attention. It was before M had arrived. My Cantonese is considerably terrible, but I can listen and speak enough to get around in HK. At first, I twiddled away at my iPod, hoping that their conversation would just end so that I could go shopping or whatever it was that I wanted to do. Then something caught my attention. They started talking about M (RUDE, SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE). About how M’s husband had gotten another woman pregnant. I’ve never been one to be attracted to gossip, but this was certainly news to me. They continued to elaborate on how the other woman was asking for money and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought these things only happened in movies and soaps. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), money isn’t really a big problem for M and her husband since they own an accounting firm and a few estates. Nevertheless, for such an issue to affect someone I’ve always liked and cared about – it shocked me.

Then they shifted the conversation to the past, to the history of M’s suffering. To domestic violence. To how hard it is on M to keep him in check. To how it isn’t possible for M to conceive. I was fully in shock at this point. I had always liked M’s husband too since I felt like he understood me more than most people did. He was sensible with a good sense of humour and never seemed like the type to be too aggressive verbally…or physically. I guess appearances don’t mean everything.

I sighed in relief when they changed topics. I couldn’t look at M the same way when she walked in about a half hour later. I ate silently, contemplating what I had heard in my head.

My best friend (or one of, anyways). She recently broke up with her boyfriend. I thought he was nice, sweet, and perfect in many regards from athletics to academics. He also plays video games which attracted my interest in their relationship. I never did ask why they broke up – I was just relieved that it was her doing the heartbreaking…As terrible as that may sound, I don’t like my friends being hurt.

All around me, love is shattering, love is fading. Love feels like it doesn’t exist.

But I want to believe it does.

So much.

So badly.

But I’m afraid. That it’s all an illusion. That my infatuation with love will be the end of me. That I’ll lose myself in a dream.

Speaking of dreams, I haven’t been able to escape the vivid dreaming that’s been happening lately. I hope that ends soon too.

Someone tell me that love isn’t just a dream.

Someone tell me that love still exists.

this carefree spirit

that wanders

from place to place

with her heart out

for all to see

with her heart out

so easily.

Should’ve left her behind

midst the abandoned playground

swinging all alone

running after

no one

enchanted by

the sun.

Should’ve left her behind

with her

sophomoric

love-in-tokyo

pig tails

and her bright orange

skip rope

and her notions

of hope.

Should’ve left her behind

before her innocence

met your lack of

before her smile

met your tears

before her dreams

became your fears.

Should’ve left her behind

but now  it’s too late

to abandon her

for you have grown

too attached

too much in love

with what she loved

with what she stood for

with love itself

at the very core.

Should’ve left her behind

but you knew too well

that you needed her

more than she needed you

and that she’ll always be

a part of your whole

and the part of your heart

that comprises your soul.

I saw this image, or poem rather, on Tumblr and I thought how perfectly this describes and summarizes the thoughts running inside my head at this moment.

I need to get away from you for a while…and you won’t like it. I won’t like it either.

It’s ruining me. This happiness. This sadness. This loneliness.

I’m scared also that you’ll find someone to replace me if I disappear for a while, but I think I’m going to have to take the risk.

I can’t deal with my thoughts and feelings being toyed like this. Unintentionally, of course.

It hurts me that you’re oblivious to it all.

It hurts me because it’s not your fault at all – I’m not exactly normal.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to be myself again.

I’m sorry.

But I’m not sorry.

I’m just a little lost.

Time will heal me.