30 – That feeling when someone gets too close.
It’s been a while since my last rant. Why do I do this to myself? Writing lines and lines of text that really don’t serve a purpose. It makes me feel annoying like a neurotic with criticisms for the entire world. Maybe I am. Sigh.
There are thoughts that just clog up my mind. And they stay there and stay there until somehow, sometime, these thoughts turn sinisterly sad. And then it hurts. It hurts so much. But I really can’t let the tears out until I get it down into text. It’s weird. Writing fixes everything for me. And you know what? I’m comfortable with that. I like having this medium I know I can rely on when there is nothing or no one else.
I suppose I have always been the type of person who lets her emotions rule her life. Reason has never been my nature – though I wish I could have just a little more sense in my head. I’m tired of things not making sense. Tired of not having the answers to my never ending cloud of questions. In general, I’m just tired. I’m not sure why. And I’m tired of not knowing why.
But lately, I’ve been thinking of all the people that I miss having in my life. Wish I could have them here still. I feel like somewhere along the way, I made the wrong decisions. Fell in with the wrong people. I’m not where I want to be and I’m not sure where I want to be yet. There’s no point of regretting what has happened, but it doesn’t hurt to reflect for the future.
People that knew me more than my family did. That I talked to everyday. That listened and supported me. These people are limited these days. But I’m fine with that. We have different phases in our lives. Sometimes there will be more people that care. Sometimes less. It’s not that I don’t have friends. I have more than enough. I’m just not close with any of them really. Not even the ones I’ve known for over ten years. I’ll gladly go along with the facade that they know everything about me and I know everything about them. That’s what best friends are for, right?
And lately I’ve just been in a bad mood. Lack of sleep? Not likely. I’ve been sleeping more than my required amount. I feel tired even when I’ve had perfect rest – feel sad even when things are going well. I’m way behind in my blog reading, but I think I just need to sort things out first. I don’t want go around half-hearted. That’s just notme.
I don’t know if I want to be left alone or if I need someone to talk to. It’s confusing.
And you. You’re not letting me into your life and I no longer know the right words to say. So I’ll give you your space. As much as it hurts in my heart to do so. As much as I don’t want to. Should I let go?
Perspective. A word I’m not quite used to. I wonder, just a little, what people think of me.
Oh I almost forgot, I got semi-published in a mini compilation of short stories. Fun. It’ll look perfect in my portfolio for university – if I wasn’t going into Science. It’s funny how divergent my passions are. How fragmented of a person I am. Not that it’s not okay to be a little cracked. A roughened teddy bear. I try too hard to be innocent sometimes. Too hard to be someone I’m not.
Optimism. I tried to go a week without thinking a single negative thought. It worked…but not the way I wanted it too. I was hoping that if I conavinced myself I was happy, that somehow the emotions would follow through. My feelings have never been quite so kind to me. They never bend to my will – kind of like myself really. I don’t like to be under anyone’s control.
I’m a Libra. I don’t let go of grudges easily. I’m sorry to anyone who has suffered from my frustration due to these infuried grudges.
Yeah. I’m not really sorry. I’m allowed to be mad sometimes, right?
Someone was looking at my blogspot the other day so I decided to pay it a visit. Found an entry that immediately brought me to tears. Because even though time has passed, nothing has changed.
Monday, 21 September 2009. “Untitled”
Sometimes I feel like I’m just a piano-playing shell to my mother. Sometimes I feel like I’m being suffocated under pressure. And other times, I’m holding strong…
If anyone’s interested, you can read the rest of it here.
It’s sad. How things are the same.